It's admittedly uncomfortable for Togami to seriously think about this, too. Leon making all these jokes and assumptions is irritating in part because he doesn't want to have to think about it in detail. ]
...You keep making broad generalizations across arbitrary categories of people. For someone who is styling himself as a sexual enthusiast, you have a very narrow perspective of sexuality. It's a common trait among the masses, who are marketed a particular kind of sexual dynamic, but it is nevertheless aggravating to try and have a discussion with someone who consumes mass media uncritically, and states opinion as fact.
[ Huh. He didn't really want to have this discussion, but that was more detailed than he expected himself to come up with. Even though he had a subconscious understanding of all this, he might never have tried to put it into words before. It's not really considerate of Leon's feelings, but it's considerate of his own feelings... ]
[It was maybe a little too detailed. Well, no, but it's a lot to take in, and it's phrased the way Togami always phrases things, which is 50% "hard words" and 50% "alien worldviews." But he gets it, enough. He gets it well enough to condense it down to "nuh uh not ME though" which is . . . probably close enough to what it is.
He puts his feet on the coffee table and stares at his untouched cup, crossing his arms over his chest. But he's calm in answering, and legitimately thoughtful.]
. . . Y'know it's not like you ever actually say anything about yourself anyway, right? What else am I supposed to do? You just make everything negative all the time—you only talk about what you don't like! At least I know what I like, so I can talk about that. It's kinda hard to know what you like when as far as I know you don't like anything. Even if I flat-out ask if you're gay or whatever, you didn't even answer that.
[ He doesn't really want to think about these accusations, either. But in the interest of making an effort, he considers it anyway. He doesn't know what to think about "making everything negative"—he's only telling the truth, isn't he? But there is a point to be made about his level of openness.
Is there any problem with indulging the question? He can't think of any off the top of his head that aren't related to stubbornness or pride, so he decides to go ahead. ]
I find such labels irrelevant. If I choose to pursue someone or accept someone else's advances, their gender is not a factor. I do not know how you expect me to be enthusiastic about a lack of preference, particularly when I have no interest in the vast majority of people.
[ He made it negative again anyway... but it was by just telling the truth again!! ]
. . . You really are like a black hole of negativity.
[This time, though, he says it fondly. Yeah, he did make it negative again, but he answered the question; just making the attempt is better than spouting off some derailing criticism, see? Leon reaches over and pushes lightly at his arm, more playful—though tentatively.]
I never said you had to be enthusiastic about it. I guess that pretty much matches you anyway, huh? You're so above everyone! I can't even really imagine you getting into it—
[Oops, that's a lie. He sure can. He has before. Look, that stuff that happened with the vines . . . that wasn't his fault, and neither was anything that came after that. Any thoughts, any questions—
He could just leave it at that. He could let that sentence drop there and there's a good chance Togami would drop it there too.]
. . . Heh, maybe I can a liiiittle . . .
[But instead he goes and does that. Maybe because he's weirdly relaxed this week, or maybe because of the awkward mood hanging over them. Or maybe he's just not thinking. He doesn't know.]
[ Togami glares over at Leon; it's a reflexive counterpart to his cheeks heating up just slightly in embarrassment. Ugh. Of all the people he had to say that to, it had to be the one who—through VERY EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES!—was a witness to him engaging in something sexually charged, and even a participant in it. Nnnng.
Again, he has to gently remind himself that it's not actually that dire of a secret that he might actually enjoy the company of other people, ever. He has to relax. Besides, if he gets too worked up and avoidant of any further contact or intimacy with Leon, then how can he move forward with the whole reason he came here in the first place? ]
You can keep your imagination to yourself. Perhaps I am so reticent to put myself in a sexual context because everything I say is instantly blown out of proportion. [ Which is pretty true. Fukawa alone is a terrifying force of wild speculation, and she's hardly the only person who ever had a sexual interest in him. But, wait— ] Why do you care?
[Eugh. That entire thing is like a cold shower followed by holding a torch to Leon's cheeks. He literally feels icy and overheated at the same time with embarrassment and—whatever else that is. It's upsetting, that's what it is, and he doesn't know or want to think about why. What had he expected, anyway? Anything other than that? Stupid.
And then being called out for it, whatever it is?!
He shrinks back a little across the couch, arms tightening over his chest and cheeks red. The rest of his expression isn't nearly so pleasantly flushed.]
Just—forget it, I wasn't trying to blow anything out of proportion! Or imagining you, or whatever you think I was doing! And I don't care! I just—said something, god! I just said it 'cuz it was true! So I was teasing you a little, so what?
[He should shut up, but once the ball's rolling, it's hard to stop; he's embarrassed and can't think of anything to do but fill the silence with whatever pops into his head first.]
—You're the one who's missing out anyway, man. I'd kill to be put in a sexual context right now, or blown out of proportion!
[ANY KIND OF BLOWN WOULD BE NICE.]
You just hold everything back . . . you could probably stand to get laid, let yourself go for once! When's the last time you even did that? Don't you ever wish you could?
[ You'd like to be blown out of proportion? he almost asks. Even if I say you're clearly 100% homosexual and incredibly repressed, you're not going to argue with that one—?
That wouldn't be productive at all to say, though. He bites his tongue on that one.
Well why do you think I'm holding things back, when every time I share my thoughts, you throw a tantrum? Aren't you just assuming that I'm hiding something that you actually want to hear, somewhere?
But he can't see the point of that either, and it seems a little too whiny for his tastes. Especially after the complaining about being objectified, which was whiny enough for a few weeks. Wow, he's managing to avert two incendiary arguments, though? This is clearly an otherworldly level of self-control.
Even though that does mean it's a long pause before he finally comes out with something. ] ...There is nothing stopping me. Is there anything stopping you?
It's not accurate to say he begins to feel bad, because he already did. He'd been trying to tease and spouting off without thinking, and Togami hadn't taken it well, and he's both embarrassed and guilty over that. And it doesn't take an SHSL Elite to see that Togami's biting his tongue on some choice remarks; it just makes that hot-cold feeling inside of him worse. Like drinking a bottle of hot sauce and then chasing it with an ice cube swallowed whole. Gross.
And why?
He answers Togami, but his mind is on all of that, and it sounds as distracted as his mind feels:]
I . . . it's not like I'm not trying, just, haven't found a girl yet who's up for it, they're all taken or whatever . . .
[Not all of them, but plenty of them had been. Athena, Hinata. Inaba is, though that went sour anyway.
He trails off, and then comes out with what's really on his mind.]
—I was just messing with you, y'know, I was just teasing 'cuz I wanted to see if I could get you to blush some . . .
[ He's not quite sure what to think of all that, but it seems like a lot of stuff he doesn't really want to deal with... He definitely doesn't want to comfort Leon over his relationship woes, at least. But, while the blushing thing is awkward, at least it's relevant to him. And if he thinks about it—it's not that unpalatable.
He sighs, and decides to also just go with what he's thinking deep down, carefully looking over at the wall instead of at Leon or the TV. ]
If you're as faltering in approaching them as you are in approaching me, I can see why you aren't having much success.
[ What he's thinking was just something kinda assholish again... but at least it's addressing the tension.
Nah, not good enough. This is addressing the tension: ] You're interested in experimenting sexually with men, aren't you?
[He'd been just considering finally taking a sip of his coffee, but he hadn't gotten that far yet. This scene just narrowly avoided one hell of a spit take.
Instead he chokes on absolutely nothing and sets the mug back down again with a firm clack. His cheeks are tingling, and he honestly can't tell if it's blood rushing to them or draining out of them; either way, he's suddenly very aware of the movement of blood through his head and chest.
That's called panic. But why the hell is he panicking?! Of course he's not, he wasn't, hasn't been,]
I, huh, what?! I wasn't—
["approaching" anything!
. . . Was he?
And he's definitely not]
I'm not—
[interested in that!
Right?!
But he's not actually stupid, no matter what people think. He isn't. His awkward tension at the beginning of the evening, setting all of this up and waiting for Togami to come over to hang out, had only maybe 25% had anything to do with the Actual, covert reason for their "movie night." He knows better than to think otherwise, even if he doesn't want to admit to it. The secret treasonous communication is one thing, sure. The other little things that keep happening . . . what's he supposed to think about those? What's he supposed to do with them? He's been half-thinking about that question for the past two months or so, when he hasn't been forcefully avoiding it. And he doesn't know any more now than he did.
But maybe that's what "experimenting" is for, huh? When's he ever been a guy who figured anything out by thinking about it? When he hits on that, it feels so fuckin' obvious that he wonders for a second if he actually is stupid after all.
There is one thing he's surprisingly smart about, and that's all of this relationship and sex stuff, even if it's hard to believe sometimes. Those denials are both half out of his mouth; it's really only his flustering and stammering that stops him from just spitting them right out. But it's a good thing. Given a moment to think—he knows better than this. Girls don't flock to the guys who do falter in approaching them. He's not one of them, and that's why he'd always had good luck in the past. You let a girl know what you want, that she's appreciated and you've got her on your mind, and she responds. You don't beat around the bush and act coy or aloof about it, you don't deny the truth that's staring her right in the face; those just piss girls off, or make them question the obvious.
Probably guys work the same way. Leon's not sure yet if he cares how guys work. He'd rather believe he doesn't. But if he's not sure yet after torturing himself over it for a couple months, where does it end? He can weigh the evidence all he wants in both directions. He has been. It sucks.
He needs to prove it to himself either way.
So after two aborted attempts at fervently denying anything Togami just said, he takes a deep breath, rubbing a hand over his face and getting his shit together. Where's that mysterious feathery calming influence when he needs it now?]
Uh, I. I mean . . . not all men?
[Okay, that was still a little more beating around the bush than he should have done, but it's something, and his voice is steadier now, at least.
Ah, my mistake. [ His voice is flat and sarcastic. ] I had thought you planned on having sex with literally every man in the colony.
[ This is also a defense mechanism against awkwardness, though. Just, Togami's defense mechanisms tend to be condescension and ridicule, so... I mean... he can't really talk about who's having any success in their approach. And even though he's not really panicking the way Leon is, he's also floundering about how to proceed here.
Maybe if he were 100% guaranteed interested in Leon himself, he could accept taking charge and allowing Leon to follow his lead. But if hypothetically they were to experiment, it would be pretty much as experimental for Togami as it would be for Leon. Like he said before—how much enthusiasm is he supposed to summon for that? He doesn't want Leon to think that he's into him...
Still, on a list of "Men in Cerealia Togami would Sexually Experiment With", Leon would be at the top. It doesn't mean much more than that, but it means what it means. On a list of "Times in Togami's Life in Which it Would Be Convenient to Sexually Experiment", Cerealia when nothing is actively going on is actually also near the very top of the list, even with all the weird surveillance state aspects. That's not a bad combo overall, right? If Leon is willing.
But if Leon is willing, he's still being very awkward about following through. Togami wouldn't want to be completely passively seduced either, but the current situation is still miles away from his comfort zone of sexual expression.
Ugh. Even so, this is way too much thinking and not enough doing, and the thinking is just tumbling in circles anyway. He hates it when things get like that, more than he hates looking like a person who would willingly offer to have sex with another person (gasp). ]
I don't care what you do with other people anyway. What is relevant to me is if you are trying to work up to asking me.
[Well. For a defense mechanism, it works. Leon considers taking offense at it—but he's laughing before he can. It's awkward and embarrassed and it's maybe 50% just releasing tension rather than Togami's stupidass joke actually being funny, but damn, that tension needed to be released, and right now that's more important than the possibility he's being made fun of.
(Possibility? Who is he kidding? Of course he was being made fun of. But sometimes, Togami's barbs miss. When literally the only thing a guy ever does is shoot off barbed comments . . . even Leon doesn't bat a thousand, is what it boils down to.)
And he feels better once he gets that out of his system, though he's still red all the way down his neck, not to mention having trouble looking Togami in the eye. That last not-question even brings a tiny cringe to his smoothed-out expression. Because no, but yes. But no?
It's complicated.]
Shut up, man . . .
. . . I wasn't gonna ask you, if you mean, like—if you think I was gonna invite you over and then go, hey Togami, wanna fool around? That wasn't what I had in mind! Or I guess as you'd say it, hey Togami, you wanna "sexually experiment with men"?
[God, he thought he'd worked up to this, but saying that phrase is still hard. His voice fades out some at the end with mortification, and he has to pause and swallow before he goes on.]
—Yeah, so. But . . . it's not like . . .
It's not like I didn't think it might go that way? I mean. Just, if it happened, maybe it'd happen, sure, and I'd—yeah?
[And then finally, more firmly, with more effort than any other one syllable he's managed to embarrass himself with so far:]
Nothing's going to just "happen" without any prior discussion.
[ SPONTANEITY IS DEAD!!1 ...But it's also pretty accurate, with Togami. He has too much control over himself to just "go with the flow"... even though he is particularly indulgent lately.
And yet, despite what he says, he can't think of what else he wants to say to advance the discussion himself. "Yeah"... ]
[So it seems it is. Leon snorts under his breath, managing a real smile, finally. At least some of the tension has gone out of this. For one thing . . . none of what Togami's been getting at here has actually been a rejection. It hasn't been acceptance, either, but doesn't it feel like it might be leaning that way—?
Either way, the fact that the topic's even been opened up, instead of being danced around, makes it easier to handle. They're finally talking about it! Talking isn't so hard!]
Seriously . . . ? You never just wanted to go for it before? Do you start every makeout session with, like, "I would like to inform you that we are going to make out now"?
I have never initiated a so-called "makeout session".
[ And he's not really thrilled about the idea of starting now. They can both keep talking around it until their intentions are clear on both sides, and then one of them will cave, and it will probably be Leon. ]
[ Ugh! He can't... actually argue that. Saying that didn't count would imply that there are circumstances in which it would "count", which is not a road he wants to walk down.
But: ] And you were there for that, so shouldn't you already know the answer to that question?
[Which had been for the best. He would have freaked out even more if he'd known it was coming . . .
And they wouldn't be in this situation now, would they? He's almost positive things wouldn't have come to this weird point if they hadn't been semi-forced into that incident before, and enjoyed it. Because they had. Leon definitely had, and as subtle and understated (to put it politely; "repressed" might be more like it) as Togami is, he had, too.
And now here he is, still pretty much acting like he's above all that.
Wouldn't it be kind of hot to prove to him he isn't?
That thought intrudes on the others, and Leon's not sure yet how to cope with it, but—he can't deny it, either. He shifts a little closer still, arm coming up to drape along the back of the couch, cheeks pinking just a bit deeper. Ahem.]
. . . So then how exactly do you expect that stuff to happen?
...Well, the circumstances were different then. [ He finds himself forced to admit at least some kind of difference. ] That was for my own short-term benefit. This would be more of a mutual arrangement. [ He's at least referring to "this", while Leon is still speaking in more distant hypotheticals. ] I wouldn't get anything out of it unless you also explicitly consented and had a similar goal, so I don't see how any action could be taken without prior agreement. Don't you think so?
[ He finally looks back to make eye contact with Leon for the first time in a while. ]
But you refuse to commit to an answer about the specific situation that we are currently in. So how do you expect anything to happen?
[He's not expecting the eye contact, and flushes a little when it's made—but this time he doesn't look away.
It might just be that in the end, what finally pushes him over is shutting Togami up. Not that he's offended or anything. If he were forced to admit it . . . he can't really argue. Those are some very good points about consent and communication, and Leon may be—himself, but he's not about to write off the value of those things.
And he's saying yes. To this . . . "mutual arrangement."
But does he have to be so Togami about it?
Leon likes Togami. Despite bullshit like this, he likes him, or he wouldn't be doing this at all. But there's something about Togami being extra Togami that makes Leon want to be extra Leon, and that's why his response to that question is to lean in, lift one hand to cup around the back of Togami's neck, and press their lips together.
He's not going for it yet or anything; he breaks the kiss after a few seconds, though he doesn't really pull back so much as just smile and withdraw by, like, a centimeter.
That's certainly something happening, although it's more of an upheaval for how gentle it is. Something about tender intimacy makes his skin crawl with an alien sensation. Does sex have to have the kissing part? It hadn't been that bad before, though. And it wasn't "bad" just now either, on a purely physical level. Maybe he needs to set the pace more clearly.
After a brief frown, he leans in to close the gap between them again, kissing Leon more firmly. ]
[The kissing part is—gayer than the actual sex, right? Isn't that how it works? It's not like Leon hasn't done a bit of internet exploration on the topic before . . . especially in the last couple months, to be honest. But he'd just gone ahead and done it, just now. Does that make him—?!
God. Shit. He can't get all caught up thinking about that right now. Even he knows how fucking stupid that is. Whatever this mutual arrangement is, it's probably going to involve two dudes having orgasms in each other's general direction, and the whole point is to find out if that's even a thing he's into!
He'd already known he was into the making out. They figured that out at prom, huh?
Leon catches the frown on Togami's face before he leans in again, and is about to question that—he doesn't have enough time to decide if he's amused or offended—but then, hey, it's happening again, and he's taken aback enough for a brief moment to moan his surprise against Togami's lips.
Really . . . it sounds pretty good. It feels good, too, moaning against someone's mouth. This is a thing his body knows how to do, so why not just do it? He returns the kiss without question, after only a brief pause, moving even closer on the couch and letting his fingers wind up into the ends of Togami's hair now that they're finally . . . it. This. Finally that.]
[ This is still—weird. Despite all the leadup and theoretical talks and prior enjoyment of this exact same activity, part of him just wants to slam a hand down on the ABORT button here and erase this moment from existence. But what would his reason be for that? That he's kind of embarrassed and out of his depth and vulnerable and he doesn't entirely know what he's gotten himself into?
If he has a comfort zone without any practical purpose, that he finds himself stuck in when it's inconvenient, it's his duty as a leader of the free world to smash it to bits. Isn't it?
This may be a weird time to think about duties as a leader of the free world, but it at least calms him down enough to shift closer, turning his body towards Leon's, hand hovering in midair before finally settling on Leon's shoulder. And then, when he's already calm, it's easier for his focus to drift towards things like the warmth of another human being, and the feeling of a soft touch in his hair. ]
[It's not like it's great or electric to start with. It's kind of funny—there've been times, fairly recently too, where Leon found himself actively wanting to do this with Togami . . . and this wasn't one of them, and here they are picking now to do it. He's used to starting off with his finger already on the trigger, so to speak, with girls. They're the ones who need warming up, not Leon. But this time it's both of them revving up from what was essentially a standstill—parked in the driveway, maybe.
But despite the slow start, and despite any potential complaints from the Heterosexual Police in his head—it is happening. The warming up. It feels good; when Togami turns in towards him, he closes the rest of the distance until he's close enough to be in the crook of his arm, lightly pressed against his chest, and finally goes to deepen the kiss. His teeth drag against Togami's lower lip and tug, not asking permission so much as demanding it.
(There's still porn playing in the background. The playlist just moved onto another recently watched video. Leon's starting to remember that's there, but turning it off means pulling away . . . and they're just getting started, c'mon.)]
[ Even if he's been tuning out the television this whole time, it's filtering back into Togami's consciousness, too. It's a little more welcome now than it was before. Sure, the videos are still stupid and trite. It seems inconceivable that anyone could get off on something like this all by itself. But if it's encouraging noise and heated dialogue, in the background of him actually getting physically intimate with someone... it's mmmmmaybe a little helpful.
Leon's sudden insistence in the kiss is surprisingly welcome, too. He parts his lips with a soft gasp, quickly flipping through his memories of last time in the back of his head. ]
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no subject
It's admittedly uncomfortable for Togami to seriously think about this, too. Leon making all these jokes and assumptions is irritating in part because he doesn't want to have to think about it in detail. ]
...You keep making broad generalizations across arbitrary categories of people. For someone who is styling himself as a sexual enthusiast, you have a very narrow perspective of sexuality. It's a common trait among the masses, who are marketed a particular kind of sexual dynamic, but it is nevertheless aggravating to try and have a discussion with someone who consumes mass media uncritically, and states opinion as fact.
[ Huh. He didn't really want to have this discussion, but that was more detailed than he expected himself to come up with. Even though he had a subconscious understanding of all this, he might never have tried to put it into words before. It's not really considerate of Leon's feelings, but it's considerate of his own feelings... ]
no subject
He puts his feet on the coffee table and stares at his untouched cup, crossing his arms over his chest. But he's calm in answering, and legitimately thoughtful.]
. . . Y'know it's not like you ever actually say anything about yourself anyway, right? What else am I supposed to do? You just make everything negative all the time—you only talk about what you don't like! At least I know what I like, so I can talk about that. It's kinda hard to know what you like when as far as I know you don't like anything. Even if I flat-out ask if you're gay or whatever, you didn't even answer that.
no subject
[ He doesn't really want to think about these accusations, either. But in the interest of making an effort, he considers it anyway. He doesn't know what to think about "making everything negative"—he's only telling the truth, isn't he? But there is a point to be made about his level of openness.
Is there any problem with indulging the question? He can't think of any off the top of his head that aren't related to stubbornness or pride, so he decides to go ahead. ]
I find such labels irrelevant. If I choose to pursue someone or accept someone else's advances, their gender is not a factor. I do not know how you expect me to be enthusiastic about a lack of preference, particularly when I have no interest in the vast majority of people.
[ He made it negative again anyway... but it was by just telling the truth again!! ]
no subject
[This time, though, he says it fondly. Yeah, he did make it negative again, but he answered the question; just making the attempt is better than spouting off some derailing criticism, see? Leon reaches over and pushes lightly at his arm, more playful—though tentatively.]
I never said you had to be enthusiastic about it. I guess that pretty much matches you anyway, huh? You're so above everyone! I can't even really imagine you getting into it—
[Oops, that's a lie. He sure can. He has before. Look, that stuff that happened with the vines . . . that wasn't his fault, and neither was anything that came after that. Any thoughts, any questions—
He could just leave it at that. He could let that sentence drop there and there's a good chance Togami would drop it there too.]
. . . Heh, maybe I can a liiiittle . . .
[But instead he goes and does that. Maybe because he's weirdly relaxed this week, or maybe because of the awkward mood hanging over them. Or maybe he's just not thinking. He doesn't know.]
no subject
Again, he has to gently remind himself that it's not actually that dire of a secret that he might actually enjoy the company of other people, ever. He has to relax. Besides, if he gets too worked up and avoidant of any further contact or intimacy with Leon, then how can he move forward with the whole reason he came here in the first place? ]
You can keep your imagination to yourself. Perhaps I am so reticent to put myself in a sexual context because everything I say is instantly blown out of proportion. [ Which is pretty true. Fukawa alone is a terrifying force of wild speculation, and she's hardly the only person who ever had a sexual interest in him. But, wait— ] Why do you care?
no subject
And then being called out for it, whatever it is?!
He shrinks back a little across the couch, arms tightening over his chest and cheeks red. The rest of his expression isn't nearly so pleasantly flushed.]
Just—forget it, I wasn't trying to blow anything out of proportion! Or imagining you, or whatever you think I was doing! And I don't care! I just—said something, god! I just said it 'cuz it was true! So I was teasing you a little, so what?
[He should shut up, but once the ball's rolling, it's hard to stop; he's embarrassed and can't think of anything to do but fill the silence with whatever pops into his head first.]
—You're the one who's missing out anyway, man. I'd kill to be put in a sexual context right now, or blown out of proportion!
[ANY KIND OF BLOWN WOULD BE NICE.]
You just hold everything back . . . you could probably stand to get laid, let yourself go for once! When's the last time you even did that? Don't you ever wish you could?
no subject
That wouldn't be productive at all to say, though. He bites his tongue on that one.
Well why do you think I'm holding things back, when every time I share my thoughts, you throw a tantrum? Aren't you just assuming that I'm hiding something that you actually want to hear, somewhere?
But he can't see the point of that either, and it seems a little too whiny for his tastes. Especially after the complaining about being objectified, which was whiny enough for a few weeks. Wow, he's managing to avert two incendiary arguments, though? This is clearly an otherworldly level of self-control.
Even though that does mean it's a long pause before he finally comes out with something. ] ...There is nothing stopping me. Is there anything stopping you?
no subject
It's not accurate to say he begins to feel bad, because he already did. He'd been trying to tease and spouting off without thinking, and Togami hadn't taken it well, and he's both embarrassed and guilty over that. And it doesn't take an SHSL Elite to see that Togami's biting his tongue on some choice remarks; it just makes that hot-cold feeling inside of him worse. Like drinking a bottle of hot sauce and then chasing it with an ice cube swallowed whole. Gross.
And why?
He answers Togami, but his mind is on all of that, and it sounds as distracted as his mind feels:]
I . . . it's not like I'm not trying, just, haven't found a girl yet who's up for it, they're all taken or whatever . . .
[Not all of them, but plenty of them had been. Athena, Hinata. Inaba is, though that went sour anyway.
He trails off, and then comes out with what's really on his mind.]
—I was just messing with you, y'know, I was just teasing 'cuz I wanted to see if I could get you to blush some . . .
Sorry.
no subject
He sighs, and decides to also just go with what he's thinking deep down, carefully looking over at the wall instead of at Leon or the TV. ]
If you're as faltering in approaching them as you are in approaching me, I can see why you aren't having much success.
[ What he's thinking was just something kinda assholish again... but at least it's addressing the tension.
Nah, not good enough. This is addressing the tension: ] You're interested in experimenting sexually with men, aren't you?
no subject
Instead he chokes on absolutely nothing and sets the mug back down again with a firm clack. His cheeks are tingling, and he honestly can't tell if it's blood rushing to them or draining out of them; either way, he's suddenly very aware of the movement of blood through his head and chest.
That's called panic. But why the hell is he panicking?! Of course he's not, he wasn't, hasn't been,]
I, huh, what?! I wasn't—
["approaching" anything!
. . . Was he?
And he's definitely not]
I'm not—
[interested in that!
Right?!
But he's not actually stupid, no matter what people think. He isn't. His awkward tension at the beginning of the evening, setting all of this up and waiting for Togami to come over to hang out, had only maybe 25% had anything to do with the Actual, covert reason for their "movie night." He knows better than to think otherwise, even if he doesn't want to admit to it. The secret treasonous communication is one thing, sure. The other little things that keep happening . . . what's he supposed to think about those? What's he supposed to do with them? He's been half-thinking about that question for the past two months or so, when he hasn't been forcefully avoiding it. And he doesn't know any more now than he did.
But maybe that's what "experimenting" is for, huh? When's he ever been a guy who figured anything out by thinking about it? When he hits on that, it feels so fuckin' obvious that he wonders for a second if he actually is stupid after all.
There is one thing he's surprisingly smart about, and that's all of this relationship and sex stuff, even if it's hard to believe sometimes. Those denials are both half out of his mouth; it's really only his flustering and stammering that stops him from just spitting them right out. But it's a good thing. Given a moment to think—he knows better than this. Girls don't flock to the guys who do falter in approaching them. He's not one of them, and that's why he'd always had good luck in the past. You let a girl know what you want, that she's appreciated and you've got her on your mind, and she responds. You don't beat around the bush and act coy or aloof about it, you don't deny the truth that's staring her right in the face; those just piss girls off, or make them question the obvious.
Probably guys work the same way. Leon's not sure yet if he cares how guys work. He'd rather believe he doesn't. But if he's not sure yet after torturing himself over it for a couple months, where does it end? He can weigh the evidence all he wants in both directions. He has been. It sucks.
He needs to prove it to himself either way.
So after two aborted attempts at fervently denying anything Togami just said, he takes a deep breath, rubbing a hand over his face and getting his shit together. Where's that mysterious feathery calming influence when he needs it now?]
Uh, I. I mean . . . not all men?
[Okay, that was still a little more beating around the bush than he should have done, but it's something, and his voice is steadier now, at least.
He's trying.]
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[ This is also a defense mechanism against awkwardness, though. Just, Togami's defense mechanisms tend to be condescension and ridicule, so... I mean... he can't really talk about who's having any success in their approach. And even though he's not really panicking the way Leon is, he's also floundering about how to proceed here.
Maybe if he were 100% guaranteed interested in Leon himself, he could accept taking charge and allowing Leon to follow his lead. But if hypothetically they were to experiment, it would be pretty much as experimental for Togami as it would be for Leon. Like he said before—how much enthusiasm is he supposed to summon for that? He doesn't want Leon to think that he's into him...
Still, on a list of "Men in Cerealia Togami would Sexually Experiment With", Leon would be at the top. It doesn't mean much more than that, but it means what it means. On a list of "Times in Togami's Life in Which it Would Be Convenient to Sexually Experiment", Cerealia when nothing is actively going on is actually also near the very top of the list, even with all the weird surveillance state aspects. That's not a bad combo overall, right? If Leon is willing.
But if Leon is willing, he's still being very awkward about following through. Togami wouldn't want to be completely passively seduced either, but the current situation is still miles away from his comfort zone of sexual expression.
Ugh. Even so, this is way too much thinking and not enough doing, and the thinking is just tumbling in circles anyway. He hates it when things get like that, more than he hates looking like a person who would willingly offer to have sex with another person (gasp). ]
I don't care what you do with other people anyway. What is relevant to me is if you are trying to work up to asking me.
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(Possibility? Who is he kidding? Of course he was being made fun of. But sometimes, Togami's barbs miss. When literally the only thing a guy ever does is shoot off barbed comments . . . even Leon doesn't bat a thousand, is what it boils down to.)
And he feels better once he gets that out of his system, though he's still red all the way down his neck, not to mention having trouble looking Togami in the eye. That last not-question even brings a tiny cringe to his smoothed-out expression. Because no, but yes. But no?
It's complicated.]
Shut up, man . . .
. . . I wasn't gonna ask you, if you mean, like—if you think I was gonna invite you over and then go, hey Togami, wanna fool around? That wasn't what I had in mind! Or I guess as you'd say it, hey Togami, you wanna "sexually experiment with men"?
[God, he thought he'd worked up to this, but saying that phrase is still hard. His voice fades out some at the end with mortification, and he has to pause and swallow before he goes on.]
—Yeah, so. But . . . it's not like . . .
It's not like I didn't think it might go that way? I mean. Just, if it happened, maybe it'd happen, sure, and I'd—yeah?
[And then finally, more firmly, with more effort than any other one syllable he's managed to embarrass himself with so far:]
Yeah.
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[ SPONTANEITY IS DEAD!!1 ...But it's also pretty accurate, with Togami. He has too much control over himself to just "go with the flow"... even though he is particularly indulgent lately.
And yet, despite what he says, he can't think of what else he wants to say to advance the discussion himself. "Yeah"... ]
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Either way, the fact that the topic's even been opened up, instead of being danced around, makes it easier to handle. They're finally talking about it! Talking isn't so hard!]
Seriously . . . ? You never just wanted to go for it before? Do you start every makeout session with, like, "I would like to inform you that we are going to make out now"?
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[ And he's not really thrilled about the idea of starting now. They can both keep talking around it until their intentions are clear on both sides, and then one of them will cave, and it will probably be Leon. ]
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He's not doing so quite yet, though. But he does shift a little closer on the couch, shoving lightly at Togami's arm, grin wide and obnoxious.]
Yeah you have. You did that time at the prom.
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But: ] And you were there for that, so shouldn't you already know the answer to that question?
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[Which had been for the best. He would have freaked out even more if he'd known it was coming . . .
And they wouldn't be in this situation now, would they? He's almost positive things wouldn't have come to this weird point if they hadn't been semi-forced into that incident before, and enjoyed it. Because they had. Leon definitely had, and as subtle and understated (to put it politely; "repressed" might be more like it) as Togami is, he had, too.
And now here he is, still pretty much acting like he's above all that.
Wouldn't it be kind of hot to prove to him he isn't?
That thought intrudes on the others, and Leon's not sure yet how to cope with it, but—he can't deny it, either. He shifts a little closer still, arm coming up to drape along the back of the couch, cheeks pinking just a bit deeper. Ahem.]
. . . So then how exactly do you expect that stuff to happen?
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[ He finally looks back to make eye contact with Leon for the first time in a while. ]
But you refuse to commit to an answer about the specific situation that we are currently in. So how do you expect anything to happen?
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It might just be that in the end, what finally pushes him over is shutting Togami up. Not that he's offended or anything. If he were forced to admit it . . . he can't really argue. Those are some very good points about consent and communication, and Leon may be—himself, but he's not about to write off the value of those things.
And he's saying yes. To this . . . "mutual arrangement."
But does he have to be so Togami about it?
Leon likes Togami. Despite bullshit like this, he likes him, or he wouldn't be doing this at all. But there's something about Togami being extra Togami that makes Leon want to be extra Leon, and that's why his response to that question is to lean in, lift one hand to cup around the back of Togami's neck, and press their lips together.
He's not going for it yet or anything; he breaks the kiss after a few seconds, though he doesn't really pull back so much as just smile and withdraw by, like, a centimeter.
How's that for something happening?!]
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That's certainly something happening, although it's more of an upheaval for how gentle it is. Something about tender intimacy makes his skin crawl with an alien sensation. Does sex have to have the kissing part? It hadn't been that bad before, though. And it wasn't "bad" just now either, on a purely physical level. Maybe he needs to set the pace more clearly.
After a brief frown, he leans in to close the gap between them again, kissing Leon more firmly. ]
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God. Shit. He can't get all caught up thinking about that right now. Even he knows how fucking stupid that is. Whatever this mutual arrangement is, it's probably going to involve two dudes having orgasms in each other's general direction, and the whole point is to find out if that's even a thing he's into!
He'd already known he was into the making out. They figured that out at prom, huh?
Leon catches the frown on Togami's face before he leans in again, and is about to question that—he doesn't have enough time to decide if he's amused or offended—but then, hey, it's happening again, and he's taken aback enough for a brief moment to moan his surprise against Togami's lips.
Really . . . it sounds pretty good. It feels good, too, moaning against someone's mouth. This is a thing his body knows how to do, so why not just do it? He returns the kiss without question, after only a brief pause, moving even closer on the couch and letting his fingers wind up into the ends of Togami's hair now that they're finally . . . it. This. Finally that.]
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If he has a comfort zone without any practical purpose, that he finds himself stuck in when it's inconvenient, it's his duty as a leader of the free world to smash it to bits. Isn't it?
This may be a weird time to think about duties as a leader of the free world, but it at least calms him down enough to shift closer, turning his body towards Leon's, hand hovering in midair before finally settling on Leon's shoulder. And then, when he's already calm, it's easier for his focus to drift towards things like the warmth of another human being, and the feeling of a soft touch in his hair. ]
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But despite the slow start, and despite any potential complaints from the Heterosexual Police in his head—it is happening. The warming up. It feels good; when Togami turns in towards him, he closes the rest of the distance until he's close enough to be in the crook of his arm, lightly pressed against his chest, and finally goes to deepen the kiss. His teeth drag against Togami's lower lip and tug, not asking permission so much as demanding it.
(There's still porn playing in the background. The playlist just moved onto another recently watched video. Leon's starting to remember that's there, but turning it off means pulling away . . . and they're just getting started, c'mon.)]
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Leon's sudden insistence in the kiss is surprisingly welcome, too. He parts his lips with a soft gasp, quickly flipping through his memories of last time in the back of his head. ]
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