[She giggles instead of answering at first, moving to take a sip of her drink before she can continue.]
Inoue-san says my acting's improved a lot since my break. But anyway...I think a lot of us felt like that. That place was creepy and it was probably meant to make us feel dark and afraid. But up here I'm not afraid because I know we're all going to be together. [She gives him a pointed look then.] Is the part of you that wants to forget it bigger than the part that wants to hold onto what came out of that place?
[He's smiling along, and then she asks something heavy like that; it takes a second to sink in, and his expression fades from jolly to—a little bit taken aback. That's a serious question, enough so that it feels like it came out of nowhere, even though of course it didn't, it's directly related . . .
It's just not the kind of thing he's in the habit of dwelling on much.
He glances down at/through the drink in her hand, one hand lifting to rub his fingers compulsively over the back of his neck, like he could chase away his own sudden spike of tension. It doesn't work very well. (Really, he doesn't even notice he's doing anything that might "work" or not, or that he needs it.)]
Uh . . . wow, that was kinda . . . Kujikawa, you don't beat around the bush, huh?
[He's stalling a little, and that he knows. But after another moment, he continues, haltingly.]
—No—I dunno. No? Maybe if stuff was different! . . . I really figured no one would want anything to do with me anymore after all that crap. If it was like that, of course I'd wanna forget all about it. Or maybe I'd want you to forget all about it? Or both. I guess when you ask it like that, "what came out of that place" would wreck everything, so of course I'd wanna forget it. But in the real world, it didn't . . . you contacted me and everything. I'm real glad about that, Kujikawa . . . so, y'know, I wouldn't give that up just so I could forget. I'd rather have this than that never happening . . .
Unless you think you'd like me better if it didn't.
[He laughs. Weakly, but there you go; it's something.]
[She actually feels bad by that reaction. Rise's usually fairly unapologetic with her words but this is different and she's about to say "sorry" when Leon continues. She puts down her coffee to give him her full attention, to prove to him that she's taking what he says into consideration and it's important.
And...she understands. She felt the same way with people who saw her Shadow, that it would make people think she was a fake.]
When my friends first saw my Shadow, I didn't want them to see her. I didn't want them to really know what she represented and see that really ugly part of me...but they did. And they still rescued me and we still formed a team and they're the closest friends I've ever had. I don't think it's fair to judge somebody just based on things from their past or things they don't know how to handle.
Besides, we were getting to know each other before all that weren't we? There's still a lot of other things I want to know about you. How can I learn it all if I never speak to you again? [So...don't let it define you too much, Leon. She's not letting it cloud her judgment.]
[He's not a guy who's very good at the whole being open about his true self to other people thing. He'd have been doomed back in Inaba, basically. But the more people say things like this, the more that chokehold on himself begins to loosen, even if he doesn't fully realize it himself, what it means. All he knows is that he feels a little bit of weight lift off the more open he can be.
Things from their past . . . learn it all . . .
There's that, though. This is great now. How will it be if she ever finds out the other half of that story, the one where Leon Dies at the End?
Maybe it's dangerous to loosen up too much. But even with that in mind—he still feels better hearing it, and he drops his hands to lace around his own cup again, his expression smoothing out some more.]
I just—I thought everyone would, I dunno, laugh at me, or pity me, or . . . however they wanted to hate me, they'd find a way, y'know? I couldn't even imagine how I was gonna get out of bed and look in the mirror today . . . heh, that's a little embarrassing too, but I guess you're not gonna get up and walk away now. Probably?
[He's more joking that time, less genuinely fearful that she will. It's a process.]
So, thanks! And—look, I don't really get the whole Shadow thing, you're gonna have to explain that to me some time if you wanna, but anyone who'd turn their back on you after that or anything else is a total idiot. Just so you know!
[They'll get there in due time, she thinks. She has a lot of questions surrounding Leon's death and what the academy (it looked like a school, anyway) represented and everything but it'll come in time. She gets it. Not everyone is as open and honest as she is. But she can at least help them get there. She watches his hands, carefully gauging his mood as he continues.]
Anyone who would laugh at you for that is pretty messed up. [She sounds a little disgusted by the notion, actually.] I don't think it's anything to really be ashamed of, you know? For a long time I hated looking at pictures of myself whenever they showed up in magazines and after what happened I didn't speak to the rest of my friends for days until I knew I wanted to help them. You could cover the mirrors in your apartment for a while if that would help. [A light smile. Don't do that, Leon.]
But you're welcome. [She looks a bit surprised at her words being thrown back at her though.] It's…complicated. But I think you're right. [She looks away, mildly embarrassed then.] Let's finish lunch, okay?
[His tone is softer now, and after a moment, he reaches across the table to put one of his hands over one of hers and squeeze it. Briefly, gently, before pulling back to pick up his drink again.]
It's complicated, but it's gonna work out! We're doing fine so far, right? And no way am I covering up my mirrors . . . how would I do my hair?
[He laughs and goes back to his drink, managing a sip around his smile. There's a sense of relief he can feel in the air, and he wants to soak in it and enjoy all of this while they can. And maybe it's true—it'll work out. It'll totally work out!
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no subject
Inoue-san says my acting's improved a lot since my break. But anyway...I think a lot of us felt like that. That place was creepy and it was probably meant to make us feel dark and afraid. But up here I'm not afraid because I know we're all going to be together. [She gives him a pointed look then.] Is the part of you that wants to forget it bigger than the part that wants to hold onto what came out of that place?
no subject
It's just not the kind of thing he's in the habit of dwelling on much.
He glances down at/through the drink in her hand, one hand lifting to rub his fingers compulsively over the back of his neck, like he could chase away his own sudden spike of tension. It doesn't work very well. (Really, he doesn't even notice he's doing anything that might "work" or not, or that he needs it.)]
Uh . . . wow, that was kinda . . . Kujikawa, you don't beat around the bush, huh?
[He's stalling a little, and that he knows. But after another moment, he continues, haltingly.]
—No—I dunno. No? Maybe if stuff was different! . . . I really figured no one would want anything to do with me anymore after all that crap. If it was like that, of course I'd wanna forget all about it. Or maybe I'd want you to forget all about it? Or both. I guess when you ask it like that, "what came out of that place" would wreck everything, so of course I'd wanna forget it. But in the real world, it didn't . . . you contacted me and everything. I'm real glad about that, Kujikawa . . . so, y'know, I wouldn't give that up just so I could forget. I'd rather have this than that never happening . . .
Unless you think you'd like me better if it didn't.
[He laughs. Weakly, but there you go; it's something.]
But that's pretty natural, right?
no subject
And...she understands. She felt the same way with people who saw her Shadow, that it would make people think she was a fake.]
When my friends first saw my Shadow, I didn't want them to see her. I didn't want them to really know what she represented and see that really ugly part of me...but they did. And they still rescued me and we still formed a team and they're the closest friends I've ever had. I don't think it's fair to judge somebody just based on things from their past or things they don't know how to handle.
Besides, we were getting to know each other before all that weren't we? There's still a lot of other things I want to know about you. How can I learn it all if I never speak to you again? [So...don't let it define you too much, Leon. She's not letting it cloud her judgment.]
no subject
[He's not a guy who's very good at the whole being open about his true self to other people thing. He'd have been doomed back in Inaba, basically. But the more people say things like this, the more that chokehold on himself begins to loosen, even if he doesn't fully realize it himself, what it means. All he knows is that he feels a little bit of weight lift off the more open he can be.
Things from their past . . . learn it all . . .
There's that, though. This is great now. How will it be if she ever finds out the other half of that story, the one where Leon Dies at the End?
Maybe it's dangerous to loosen up too much. But even with that in mind—he still feels better hearing it, and he drops his hands to lace around his own cup again, his expression smoothing out some more.]
I just—I thought everyone would, I dunno, laugh at me, or pity me, or . . . however they wanted to hate me, they'd find a way, y'know? I couldn't even imagine how I was gonna get out of bed and look in the mirror today . . . heh, that's a little embarrassing too, but I guess you're not gonna get up and walk away now. Probably?
[He's more joking that time, less genuinely fearful that she will. It's a process.]
So, thanks! And—look, I don't really get the whole Shadow thing, you're gonna have to explain that to me some time if you wanna, but anyone who'd turn their back on you after that or anything else is a total idiot. Just so you know!
no subject
Anyone who would laugh at you for that is pretty messed up. [She sounds a little disgusted by the notion, actually.] I don't think it's anything to really be ashamed of, you know? For a long time I hated looking at pictures of myself whenever they showed up in magazines and after what happened I didn't speak to the rest of my friends for days until I knew I wanted to help them. You could cover the mirrors in your apartment for a while if that would help. [A light smile. Don't do that, Leon.]
But you're welcome. [She looks a bit surprised at her words being thrown back at her though.] It's…complicated. But I think you're right. [She looks away, mildly embarrassed then.] Let's finish lunch, okay?
no subject
[His tone is softer now, and after a moment, he reaches across the table to put one of his hands over one of hers and squeeze it. Briefly, gently, before pulling back to pick up his drink again.]
It's complicated, but it's gonna work out! We're doing fine so far, right? And no way am I covering up my mirrors . . . how would I do my hair?
[He laughs and goes back to his drink, managing a sip around his smile. There's a sense of relief he can feel in the air, and he wants to soak in it and enjoy all of this while they can. And maybe it's true—it'll work out. It'll totally work out!
He feels more and more like it will.]