[Shit. The thought of his own classmates just leaving him here is almost choking. After everything that's happened with them, all of his fucked up feelings over everything, if he woke up one day and they were just gone--
He squeezes his arm tighter around Hinata's shoulder, reflexively.]
Hey, you still got Komaeda, right? That's something!
[The truth is, Leon knows next to nothing about the other class's circumstances. He knows the dark history Hinata told him before, and not much else, and he's got to assume there's a lot more going on between them all than dark history.
He's curious, as someone still feeling out how to interact with his own class. He's not sure how much Hinata knows about that either . . . but probably a lot more than Leon knows about him. He watches Hinata out of the corner of his eye, walking with his hands in his pockets, but he's at least lost most of the tension from earlier.]
I couldn't stand him. I couldn't forgive him for something he'd done, and I was afraid of him and his way of... thinking and everything. [A pause.] If you asked him, Komaeda will tell you what he did, back in our world.
[Hinata prefers to leave that part to him.]
...But, I came to understand him, in Haven. I was like "ah, why do I have to worry about him" a lot at first but then, gradually, I stopped getting as angry at him. I tried listening. It took months. Almost half a year before I decided I could even be friends with him.
[Mmmmnnn. That's interesting . . . although Leon's not sure he can understand it easily. That sounds like a lot of time and effort for someone who--who what? What had he done? Leon knows that class was messed up.
Kill someone? Can he really talk if it's that? Maybe he's lucky his classmates didn't take six months to start talking to him again.]
At first, 'cause I wanted to keep an eye on him. I didn't want him trying anything... and, also, because he's a really smart guy. I thought we might be able to figure out something, even as much as I didn't like him.
[Looking back on this feels odd, after it's been so long.]
But he kept doing things... trying to be helpful. Piggybacking me up stairs when I was exhausted.
One time, he tried to get to another section of Haven to get supplies for us-- alone, of course, into a tunnel of monsters. I ran after him before he could get himself killed and got hurt and then he avoided me for ages because he felt like I got pulled into his bad luck.
I kept getting all these opportunities to see what he was like. Without the island or the mutual killing in the picture.
[He listens, watching Hinata's face out of the corner of his eye.
It's not until that last sentence that something really hits home about it. Not that it's not interesting; he'd asked because he'd been genuinely curious. And it makes sense when he lays all of it out like that. But--it's easy for Leon to forget that the other class also went through a mutual killing, most of the time. Half the time it's hard for him to believe he actually went through it himself. It's like some really intense movie he watched, the horror flick of the century. So terrifying it'll rip your life to shreds, forever! Come and see what everyone's talking about! And then he'd walked out of the theater and into Cerealia, uncertain whether he'd been watching the same movie for three days, or two years, or nineteen, but at least it was over, except it never felt like it was as much as he wanted it to be.
And now Naegi and Kirigiri call him a friend to his face, and tell him it wasn't his fault what had happened, there'd been Circumstances they'd all been in, right? Of course. And he agrees, obviously, but it's just--
Just, why is it that that matters now, when it's too late for him, but it didn't matter then?
Leon looks away again, shoulders tight, and hesitates before speaking. He's awkward and uncertain of how to get this out, exactly. But Hinata will understand, right?]
. . . It's totally different, out here and in there, right? You'll do crap you never thought you'd do when that bear's involved and it's like--it doesn't even friggin' matter why or how. What happens happens! The real world's not anything like that! In the real world it matters . . .
But when'd the real world turn into--like, "he ran through a tunnel of monsters"? Or this stupid-ass crazy place, huh? I want the real real world back!
[That's a tangent, but boy is it ever a pervasive one in his thoughts these days. He sighs.]
Ahh, forget it . . . yeah, I get it. You got to know him when it wasn't all crazy like that. Or maybe when it was crazy in a different way, but no mutual killing bullshit. All you guys think like that . . . I guess that's good for guys like me and him.
...Yeah. There's... another thing, too. Some of the reason I was afraid of him was that we're actually alike. In certain ways. I was obsessed with Hope's Peak and becoming more than I was, and he was obsessed with hope and those who were supposed to be the hope of everyone.
[He just, you know. Didn't want to recognise the "being alike" part for the longest time.]
And, you know... it's not like I never thought it, when I was trapped back there. Before I found out everything.
"If I kill someone, maybe I'll get out". Maybe if the situations had been a little different, if I'd been targeted more by the 'evidence' and whatever, then...
[He trails off, and then he shakes his head. He can forgive and move on not just because he knows that many of the things that happened were his fault, but because he could understand the feelings of those who killed.
. . . Yeah, no kidding. C'mon, let's get in there and get wasted!
[This has never sounded like a better plan than it does right now. Yes. Please.
He thinks of talking about it—explaining what it was like, all the crap no one knows, not even his classmates, because back then they hadn't cared to listen. Or maybe it was Monokuma who hadn't cared to let them? If they had, would that have changed anything? Would they only have been more upset at the inevitable? (And would that be so bad? Do any of them feel anything now, when they talk to him? Do they ever have dreams about him dying, the way he does?)
Forget it—he doesn't want these thoughts. He wants a drink. To the bar with them.]
[Hinata glances over, not asking why he's being thanked. But he gets it. He feels a similar tinge of gratitude, nudges lightly against Leon as they head toward and into the bar—]
Yeah.
Thanks to you, too. [—there's no other person he could've asked to go out and do this with him. Every friend he has is important to him, but there's just something with Leon that makes this easier to do, to have asked. All right— time to just forget about everything!]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Shit. The thought of his own classmates just leaving him here is almost choking. After everything that's happened with them, all of his fucked up feelings over everything, if he woke up one day and they were just gone--
He squeezes his arm tighter around Hinata's shoulder, reflexively.]
Hey, you still got Komaeda, right? That's something!
no subject
[Hinata smiles slightly.]
I dunno what I'd do without that guy now, so I'm glad that he's still here with me.
[He says it lightly but after they went through Haven and so many other things together, hey.]
no subject
[The truth is, Leon knows next to nothing about the other class's circumstances. He knows the dark history Hinata told him before, and not much else, and he's got to assume there's a lot more going on between them all than dark history.
He's curious, as someone still feeling out how to interact with his own class. He's not sure how much Hinata knows about that either . . . but probably a lot more than Leon knows about him. He watches Hinata out of the corner of his eye, walking with his hands in his pockets, but he's at least lost most of the tension from earlier.]
no subject
I couldn't stand him. I couldn't forgive him for something he'd done, and I was afraid of him and his way of... thinking and everything. [A pause.] If you asked him, Komaeda will tell you what he did, back in our world.
[Hinata prefers to leave that part to him.]
...But, I came to understand him, in Haven. I was like "ah, why do I have to worry about him" a lot at first but then, gradually, I stopped getting as angry at him. I tried listening. It took months. Almost half a year before I decided I could even be friends with him.
no subject
Kill someone? Can he really talk if it's that? Maybe he's lucky his classmates didn't take six months to start talking to him again.]
Why'd you even bother?
no subject
[Looking back on this feels odd, after it's been so long.]
But he kept doing things... trying to be helpful. Piggybacking me up stairs when I was exhausted.
One time, he tried to get to another section of Haven to get supplies for us-- alone, of course, into a tunnel of monsters. I ran after him before he could get himself killed and got hurt and then he avoided me for ages because he felt like I got pulled into his bad luck.
I kept getting all these opportunities to see what he was like. Without the island or the mutual killing in the picture.
no subject
It's not until that last sentence that something really hits home about it. Not that it's not interesting; he'd asked because he'd been genuinely curious. And it makes sense when he lays all of it out like that. But--it's easy for Leon to forget that the other class also went through a mutual killing, most of the time. Half the time it's hard for him to believe he actually went through it himself. It's like some really intense movie he watched, the horror flick of the century. So terrifying it'll rip your life to shreds, forever! Come and see what everyone's talking about! And then he'd walked out of the theater and into Cerealia, uncertain whether he'd been watching the same movie for three days, or two years, or nineteen, but at least it was over, except it never felt like it was as much as he wanted it to be.
And now Naegi and Kirigiri call him a friend to his face, and tell him it wasn't his fault what had happened, there'd been Circumstances they'd all been in, right? Of course. And he agrees, obviously, but it's just--
Just, why is it that that matters now, when it's too late for him, but it didn't matter then?
Leon looks away again, shoulders tight, and hesitates before speaking. He's awkward and uncertain of how to get this out, exactly. But Hinata will understand, right?]
. . . It's totally different, out here and in there, right? You'll do crap you never thought you'd do when that bear's involved and it's like--it doesn't even friggin' matter why or how. What happens happens! The real world's not anything like that! In the real world it matters . . .
But when'd the real world turn into--like, "he ran through a tunnel of monsters"? Or this stupid-ass crazy place, huh? I want the real real world back!
[That's a tangent, but boy is it ever a pervasive one in his thoughts these days. He sighs.]
Ahh, forget it . . . yeah, I get it. You got to know him when it wasn't all crazy like that. Or maybe when it was crazy in a different way, but no mutual killing bullshit. All you guys think like that . . . I guess that's good for guys like me and him.
no subject
[He just, you know. Didn't want to recognise the "being alike" part for the longest time.]
And, you know... it's not like I never thought it, when I was trapped back there. Before I found out everything.
"If I kill someone, maybe I'll get out". Maybe if the situations had been a little different, if I'd been targeted more by the 'evidence' and whatever, then...
[He trails off, and then he shakes his head. He can forgive and move on not just because he knows that many of the things that happened were his fault, but because he could understand the feelings of those who killed.
Even Tsumiki, even Komaeda.]
...Ahh. We really need a drink, Kuwata.
no subject
[This has never sounded like a better plan than it does right now. Yes. Please.
He thinks of talking about it—explaining what it was like, all the crap no one knows, not even his classmates, because back then they hadn't cared to listen. Or maybe it was Monokuma who hadn't cared to let them? If they had, would that have changed anything? Would they only have been more upset at the inevitable? (And would that be so bad? Do any of them feel anything now, when they talk to him? Do they ever have dreams about him dying, the way he does?)
Forget it—he doesn't want these thoughts. He wants a drink. To the bar with them.]
—Thanks.
no subject
Yeah.
Thanks to you, too. [—there's no other person he could've asked to go out and do this with him. Every friend he has is important to him, but there's just something with Leon that makes this easier to do, to have asked. All right— time to just forget about everything!]